This Something-Settled Matter in My Heart

I don't like being angry, I would go so far as to say I hate being angry, which kind of defeats what I hope to accomplish, but there is something worse than just anger in me. My anger is undirected. Cliche` it may be, though odd for a man to say, I feel like I am turning into my mother. I'm so ANGRY but I don't know WHY. I can feel it, deep down, this burning hate and spite just building up with no where to go.

I'm afraid, afraid that I might do something stupid and ruin a friendship or spoil a moment that would have otherwise been precious. I'm terrified I'll let this anger out on the wrong thing.


There is no worse hate than that without a discernible cause, some logical reason for its presence. For the life of me I can't figure out what it is, and because of that I don't think I will ever be able to root out the chief cause.

If I suddenly erupt in anger over something am I treating the disease or the symptom? Is this the true cause or is it something I would normally have overlooked if not for this base rage?

Maybe it's the weather. It's rainy and shitty out, even when the sun peeks through, I'm either in class until it goes down again, or stuck studying. I try to go have fun with my friends, but there is only so much you want to even do when you feel this way.

I tried listening to happy music, eating food that's good for me, hell even playing Robot Unicorn Attack did nothing.

I'm just... angry.

If My Name Were Self-Descriptive...

I would be eating myself at this point. I left my student ID card at home during my last visit and as such have not been able to eat at the dining hall for the past two-three days. That is not to say I have not been eating, but I have been rationing my 3 containers of easy-mac, five cans of soup, and single bag of popcorn like a post-apocalyptic war survivor. Luckily said card is in the mail and will arrive some time tomorrow. I think I can last, but my roommate has been looking at my stash. I might have to kill him and microwave what remains in order to survive.

Lack of an ID card has also caused me some grief in other areas, such as being able to enter most buildings, but lucky for me security means nothing so people hold open doors for anyone who is not openly brandishing a fire-arm, or who is at least making an effort to conceal it. I can't print things out at the Library either, but the only teacher who has not been understanding so far was one I don't like anyway, so no love lost. If I'm not back in a week, send a search party. I could use their flesh to survive.

Why don't I just go Blog about it?

I have heard that thrown about a lot as an insult before to those indie, computer-y people but only now have I actually considered actually doing the stereotypical blog-bash. My first time doing it so I hope I can do it right.

I have a class here where I legitimately feel the professor was wrong in both how he was going about things and what he declared to be the right answer to some questions. You cannot say someone is wrong for one reason then immediately say another person is wrong because the other person's reasoning was right, but only in this specific circumstances. It was exactly as confusing in class as it was to read that, if not more so.

Religious hypocrisy is exactly what it says on the tin, right? Hypocrisy as it relates to religion, it's laws, and belief requirements. I am not wrong because you decided to stick with one definition, nor am I wrong for saying an Origin Story can be the origin of anything from Earth to Tribe to Tradition. That is literally what it means. Culture Hero Story, the story of an individual who went out and did something not normal to that culture and set a precedent in doing so. I am not asking you to read my mind, I am asking you to read my answer and have prior knowledge of definitions.

Now, if you didn't have that oh so important other class to go to, I was going to tell you this in person, but god forbid you wait all of five minutes.

Moving on.

Noble Savage. That is complete and utter bullshit. Were the Native Americans all horrible, bloodthirsty monsters? Absolutely not. Were they kindly souls who only wished to live in harmony and make peace with the settlers? God no. The Native Americans had their own religions and only seemed to be so accepting because they had never been exposed to another kind of religion. Curiosity does not equate acceptance. Get that through your head. They were never exposed to major forms of other religions because, gasp, they were a stone age people. Blah blah blah, bottom line is, they were technologically inferior. They. Were. Savages. They had no iron or bronze, they had stone and wood.

Savage: Uncivilized, Vicious, Primitive.

Uncivilized? Kind of, depending on the culture.
Vicious? At times, but then, who isn't.
Primitive? Yes, yes, yes.

They were a primitive culture and could not compete with the threat of an invading civilization that was several Ages more advanced than they were. They had a choice, either conform or die. The responses were mixed, but you have to face the facts. They stood no chance.

I plan to bring this up sometime next class, though I would like responses here too, but keep it CIVIL.

Hobbies

Some people write, some people draw, and still other people collect cards. I do all that and more, the more being donating blood. Something like only ten percent of people eligible to give blood do so, and even fewer than that give blood more than that one time and even fewer than THAT give blood on a regular basis.

I am one of those super special people who gives blood regularly. I mark down on my calendar when I can safely give blood again, seek out opportunities to give blood at areas near and convenient to me, then call ahead and make an appointment to give blood. I love doing it, the needle rarely hurts, and the people who draw blood are some of the most lively and animated people I have ever had the pleasure to talk with. I'm looking at you Fran, and yes, I forgive you for digging around my veins.

Blood only lasts about 40 some odd days, once it passes that point, kaput, into the trash it goes. You can give blood every 55 days.  People need blood, one in seven hospital patients require a transfusion. That is a hell of a lot of people. Every time I give blood, I give a Double Cell Donation, which takes away twice the amount of cells, duh, then replaces the rest of the stuff. The feeling of room temperature plasma entering your body is by far one of the strangest feelings in the world, I might add. Think someone pouring ice water down your back, from under your skin. I digress, allow me to get on to the main reason for this blog post.

You see, the thing is, I don't give blood to give back to the community, I don't do it because I am a good person. I do it because I am the worst kind of selfish. I feel good giving blood, I get a literal high off it. Needles and stabbing scare the crap out of me, it gets all the adrenaline my glands can produce working overtime, supplying my brain with a nice fight or flight mechanism that floods my body.  I'm not altruistic, I'm a socially acceptable junky.

Does this make it okay? That my fix is beneficial to the society in which I am situated? I love the feeling of blood draining, and I LOVE how I get calls from people, saying I'm needed or thanking me for my generosity. I need to be needed, I want to be wanted. Does this make me a bad person?

Ciao Ciao

Hey, I'm Ryan and I have been taken by the desire to for some reason project my personal feelings and daily happening onto the internet for any who so desire to read. I'll be updating this blog whenever I feel like it, but I probably won't let it fall by the wayside because, I can face it, I like to bitch.

I'm artsy in that I draw and write and am just antisocial enough to warrant attention and social enough to react to it. I took Italian for five years so pieces of the language can and will creep into my posts. I love the language and am continuing to study it here at my college. I also love English as a language and I am much more capable of expressing thoughts and ideas in it, so fret not, non-Italians.

I'll get on with this introduction crap and get to posting all the deep and personal stuff soon, bear with me.

I debate, I argue, more or less, I have opinions and I will share them with you. A sure fire way to piss me off is to tell me my opinions mean nothing. They may mean nothing to you, but they do not mean nothing. My spelling is usually quite good, but I am not perfect. You can help me become perfect by pointing out misspelled words, misused phrases, or grammatical inconsistencies. Do not hesitate to do that for me. That said, rule number one: Don't be a prick.

I will probably explain the other rules in a later post at a later date. As a good friend of mine likes to say, ja ne.